Don't want to let you down, But I am Hell bound
by Atlantic-Rawr
Summary: Dean Winchester is a world class pianist, but he's also got amnesia and is struggling with the case of his missing brother. With help from Castiel, his complicated relationship, and Bobby Singer, he psychiatrist, he starts to remember what happened the night he lost his memory and when Sam went missing. But some people will stop at nothing to make sure Dean doesn't remember.
1. Chapter 1

A universe in which;

Dean is a pianist, struggling to cope with amnesia and the case of his missing brother.  
Castiel is Dean's best friend/ boyfriend Dean can't remember.  
Where Sam is on the run after crossing too many dangerous lines.  
And where Bobby somehow became a psychiatrist.

* * *

Rain tapped away at the glass, keeping in time with the piano melody that danced out of the slightly open window. Each note perfect, the gentle song sounding like spring and the pianist never faltering as the pace picked up and the melody changed. It stopped it's dance and sifted into a sombre song, filled with loneliness and pain. Still each note was, perfect. Not a single beat was missed as the melody slowed dying in the most gentle of ways.

The music ended.

Dean Winchester got up from the piano in the centre of his apartment, heading over to the coffee machine. He stopped as his gaze fell upon a photo hanging on the wall, it was of him, when he was young. Next him was another boy, younger, his grin wide and happy with his arm around Dean's shoulder. A shiver ran up Dean's spine and he quickly moved on. He grabbed his caffeine and returned to his piano, adding new notes to his sheets of music.  
He hadn't noticed that it was raining, too absorbed in his work.

This was how Dean, all too often, spent his nights. He knew his piano better than he knew his bed. Sleep had been avoiding him for some time now and Dean had decided it was better to do something than to wait for sleep to come crawling back to him.  
Dean drank his coffee and his fingers met keys once more and another melody began to dance it's way out of the sightly open window.

* * *

A knocking on the door make Dean's eyes shoot open, he blinked slowly waking up. He found himself still at his piano, he'd fallen asleep on it again. The knocking continued.

''Dean? Are you awake?''

Dean shuffled his music sheets, and tried to make himself look like he didn't just wake up. ''Yeah I'm up! Door's open!''

A man in a trenchcoat, with messy hair let himself in and frowned disapprovingly at the sight in front of him. ''You slept at the piano again.''

Dean laughed heading into his bedroom for a change of clothes, ''What makes you say that,Cas buddy?''

He simply shakes his head as an answer, '' We're going to be late.'' Castiel scanned the apartment it was messy but he had expected that. As always the only place the mess didn't touch was Dean's beloved piano. Photos hung on nearly all of the walls but most of them were flipped around, Castiel presumed that they were mostly of Dean and his brother when they were younger and probably a few were of him and Dean together. An unpleasant smell reached his nose and he decides to investigate at a later date. ''Dean? We need to get going.''

Dean now slightly more presentable shoves Castiel out the door, ''Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got it. Chill.'' Dean locks the door behind him. ''What are we late for again?''

Castiel groans, ''Dean. You know what we're going to be late for. There's no avoiding it.''

''Cas, I don't know-'' Dean cuts himself off, mentally and physically shaking himself.  
Castiel being a few steps ahead of Dean doubles back, resisting the urge to bring Dean in close, he simply pats his shoulder giving a 'everything will be okay' smile.

Both men exit the apartment building and opted to walk rather than hail a taxi. Dean walked with one hand in his pocket the other tapping a ever growing melody on his thigh, Castiel walked nearly the same, his free hand steadying the satchel that hung over his shoulder.  
His eyes drifted across to watch Dean, noticing he still had the same tapping habit that would drive him crazy when they were together. He didn't hate it much any more, he missed it. He missed the mess Dean would leave in his wake and he missed watching Dean play. Not in concerts or anything like that, he missed watching him late at night when Dean was just **_playing_ **the melody pouring out. The way Dean would smile at him when he caught Cas enchanted by every note. Castiel sighed and rubbed his eyes, the sense of longing threatening to push him over the edge.

''Did you eat breakfast?'' No response, ''Dean.'' Castiel tapped him.

''Huh? Sorry, what were you saying?'' Cas started to repeat his question but Dean cut in, ''Damn, I'm hungry.'' The smell of food teasing his nose.  
Cas rolled his eyes and opened his satchel, handing Dean a bacon and blue cheese bagel and inwardly laughing at the way Dean's eyes lit up like kid at Christmas.

The next for minutes were taken up with Dean shoving bagel into his mouth.

''This is heaven, how did you come up with this?'' Dean tossed the last few pieces into his mouth, making no effort to have any sort of eating manners as he licked his fingers.

Cas laughed out loud this time, ''I didn't. You did.''

Dean broke out into a smile, ''I'm so awesome.''

The two laughed with each other the rest of the way, Dean now thinking he was a world class chef coming up with crazy sandwich combinations that Castiel had apparently agreed to taste when he got around to actually making them.

They eventually arrived at a small building, a metal plaque was next to the door reading- _Robert Singer, Psychiatrist. 2nd floor. _

''Please tell me, how this is going to help. We've already established that I can't remember anything, nothing at all. So what's-''

''Do you want to remember?'' Castiel was holding the door open, waiting for Dean.

Dean remained still, he ran his hands through his hair ''Of course I do, but I don't see what talking to some, _Robert_ guy is going to fix anything.''  
Dean did hate not being able to remember, he had tried. He tried to remember how Castiel fitted into his life, he tried to remember his brother but no matter how hard he searched through and fell through the labyrinth of his mind the only thing he could remember was playing piano. At least it made him a living. His eyes met Castiel's and he sighed, ''One session, if this guy is a total douche I'm walking out.''

''Only one way to find out.'' Castiel waited for Dean to walk in, and followed behind.

* * *

''Amnesia 'ey? That's gotta suck for you.'' The man speaking was somewhat gruff, he sat in an armchair with a notebook and pen in hand with an overall scruffy aura around him. The room on first glance seemed pretty well cared for, but on a closer analysis one would see books upside down and stacked on each other in nearly every book shelf. Coffee rings decorated the table in the centre of the room and a collection of coffee mugs all with various amounts of liquid in were slowly beginning to take over the desk in the corner.

Dean shifted in his chair, his nervous energy building up. He began to tap a familiar tune against his thigh, relaxing a tiny bit. ''Yeah, well not much I can really do about that.''

The man raised an eyebrow, ''You can go to therapy by the looks of thinks.''

Dean leaned forward in his chair, ''Look, Robert? It's Robert, right?.'' He didn't bother waiting for an answer. ''This wasn't really my idea, I was dragged along by my um, friend or boyfriend or whatever. So can we just sit for a few minutes and pretend this went terrible. I don't have to be treated like an idiot and you don't have to waste your time on me. Sound good?''

''It's Bobby.'' Bobby wrote a few words in his notebook; _Blunt, Head strong, Probably prone to being stupid.  
_''Wow, you really need this. I'm not complaining, I love someone I don't have to tiptoe around.'' He closed his notebook, ''Listen here, you can stop with the 'I don't need nobody, I can look after myself thing'. Like it or not you need help, your head's pretty damaged. Maybe everything will come back over time, that's certainly possible. Then again while you're waiting for everything to come flooding back your brother could walk right past you and you wouldn't know. So I suggest you talk, I listen and we might start getting somewhere.''

For a moment Dean was in silence, as is if Robert Singer had summoned a salmon and slapped him in the face with it before growing wings and jumping of of the window. Dean pursed his lips and made an annoyed face, before sighing and giving in.  
''Okay.''

* * *

Far from New york, in a run down motel Sam Winchester lay awake. A woman lay asleep next to him, her dark hair covering her face. But Sam was up, his eyes staring into space as he came down from yet another high. Childhood memories flashed across his vision, partnered with more recent memories. The night everything happened; the night he ran away and left his brother bleeding on the pavement.  
Dean was okay, he'd been told that. Shown proof. _Dean was better off without him. _  
Still, Sam remembered the helpless look in Dean's eyes when he realised Sam didn't want to come back with him. That he was about to lose him.  
Sam rolled over, he felt tired and his eyes began to feel heavy. Before sleep took hold he whispered to himself, ''I'll come back, Dean. Soon.''

Then, the youngest Winchester fall far into sleep. As the eldest lay awake, unable to find peace.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam groaned as he awoke, feeling his bones crack uncomfortably from the concrete hard mattress. He'd gotten used to it. Turning to his side he noticed the other half of the bed was empty, he stood up muttering that she would be back soon and hadn't run off. Still, Sam rummaged through his rucksack to find everything still in its place, including his fix. Sighing Sam lay back down, finding the ceiling very interesting. He noticed that his shirt was off, but wasn't bothered enough by the cold to try and locate it in the mass of clothes strung across the room.  
According to his watch it was three in the afternoon, meaning his was up earlier than usual. He'd become practically nocturnal in the year he'd been on the road, staying up, getting high and waking up only as the sun began to set.

The motel door swung open, a brunette dressed in jeans and a simple grey vest was leaning on the door frame. A smile, which was both a mixture of smug and hunger, spread across her face as she happily stared at the half naked Winchester. She walked over; placing the coffee she arrived with on the nearest desk, and lay next to Sam. ''Aren't you cold?''

''Don't know where it is. I was preoccupied when I was taking it off'' Sam rolled on his side; he wrapped his arms around the brunette and lay his head in the curve of her neck. He breathed deeply, with both of them on the road the smell of home was the just smell of each other. The woman tried to get up but found herself unable to leave Sam's grip.

''Sam.''

Sam refused to relinquish his companion, ''Ruby.''.

Ruby turned in Sam's grasp to face him, ''We can't stay here forever, and we have to keep moving.''

''How did we get into this?'' Sam's voice was still and quiet, his eyes settled on his arm which was covered in small pin pricks. Ruby's forearm shared the same decoration.

Ruby slithered away from Sam and flashed him a smile. '_'This_? This is the life, baby.'' She threw him a shirt and started to pack their few belongings. ''Come on, there's a bus with our name on it.''

Sam sat up; he paused in thinking about Ruby's reaction if he told her that he'd been having second thoughts. ''Ruby...'' He cut himself off, stood up, now fully clothed, and grabbed his rucksack from the far corner of the room.  
They'd be in a new town in a few days time.

* * *

''Thank you'' Sam smiled politely at the motel clerk, took the keys off the desk and headed out to find the room. He counted doors until he arrived at the right one; he swung his rucksack off his shoulder. Ruby was behind him, talking about their next fix and how they were running low. Sam would have usually listened to all this but his mind was still absent. His thoughts were on Dean and how he shouldn't have run.  
Sam sighed, throwing his rucksack on the bed.

''I know what'll make you feel better.'' Ruby handed Sam a syringe, she'd already taken hers and the effects of the liquid Meth were beginning to take hold. She was dancing on the spot, without music, carefree and without worry. Sam took in the sight in front of him, his physiological headache was getting unbearable, a chance to be without pain was too good to resist. He found a spot on his arm, and let the needle slip through the skin. He barely registered the slight pain anymore.

Soon Sam's system was in the grip of the Meth. His heart was racing and his pulse was like thunder in his ears. He danced with Ruby, both embracing the drug's effects, they jumped on the bed and ran around in circles.

Later on, they argued about what colour the walls were. Sam shouted and punched holes in the paper thin plaster and Ruby lay on the floor marvelling the light bulb she had found in the desk. She turned it in her fingers, threw it up in the air and when she didn't catch it burst into laughter before trying to reconstruct the object from the shattered pieces.

Every time Sam's high began to wear off, Ruby would throw him another fix. They binged on every bit of Meth they had.

On the fourth day Sam found his high coming to an end, without anything to fend off the incoming emotion. He curled up on the flood, digging his nails into his skull and screaming. He screamed about how he wasn't good enough, how he wasn't pure. He screamed of a monster in him and of how he was without reason. Without a cause, or a talent and without a place in this world. He was a mistake, an error, a glitch. Sam screamed and screamed.  
He begged the alleged demons in his head to leave. He scratched at his arms, drawing blood, trying to cure the incurable itch. He begged for forgiveness, for mercy. Sam begged for death to take him. He curled up tighter and sleep made its way through the boy. Sam appeared dead as he slept, his finger nails encrusted with blood and his clothes sticky with cold sweat. Still, Sam was at peace.

From opposite the room Ruby watched with empty eyes as she too came down from her high. A small spasm of guilt vibrated through her as she watched Sam scream. But soon she too fell deep into sleep.

Sam woke up first. He awoke suddenly, every muscle twitched at once and his pupils contracted. He was still on the floor and as he slowly made his way onto his feet his bones cracked in protest. Sam stripped of his clothes, and headed for the shower. His feet were bloody and full of glass, causing him to wince as he walked. His eyes found Ruby slumped against a wall, her head was tilted slightly and her hand clung onto an empty syringe.

Sam let the water run over him for a while, the sticky sweat got washed away and Sam worked on making his nails free from blood. The water was cold and he welcomed the sting it made as it pooled at his injured feet. He balanced against a wall as he pulled out most of the glass, turning the water a shade of red, and wondered how many days had passed.  
When Sam was satisfied that he had banished most of the glass from his feet, he shut off the water, and got dressed. He knew to wait for Ruby to wake up on her own, so he lay on the bed, crossed his arms behind him and stared at the ceiling. Humming a melody that danced through the room.

* * *

The same melody that danced through Dean's room as his fingers ran across keys, without sheet music. Just playing from memory.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Sorry this took so long! This chapter is the result of caffeine and good johnlock.  
Thank you to my kind reviewer. **_

_**Big thank you to LukeLemonKing for poof reading my manic writing! Cookies for you!**_

* * *

_The sound of waves leisurely lapping against the rocks that formed a small cave was the first thing Dean heard as he awoke. He breathed deeply, a mixture of salt and sex filled his nose and the memory of the previous night played back through his mind. _

_His eyes fell of Castiel who lay sleeping beside him, his one arm wrapped around Dean's waist. Dean smirked at the fact that he was awake before the other man; he took the opportunity to admire Cas's facial features. His sweet tasting lips juxtaposed with his rugged jaw bone. Dean gently leaned over and placed a tender kiss on his lovers forehead, which caused him to awake. Dean sighed inwardly at the sight of Cas's cerulean eyes as they drowsily opened. Cas flashed Dean a smile. ''In case I wasn't clear last night, I'm definitely in love with you.'' _

* * *

Dean sat up, sheet music was stuck to his face and his muscles ached. He stretched, trying to relieve the pain and as he did he caused his coffee from the previous night to empty its contents on his piano at which he was sleeping. Dean cursed as he cleaned the mess from his beloved piano and removed the paper from his face. He checked his watch and, seeing that it was way past noon, cursed again. He threw the ever growing pile of paper into a rucksack, tossed it over his shoulder and rushed out the door hoping that he didn't look too much of a mess.  
He checked his pockets and found them empty. Dean pictured the look on Castiel's face as he turned up nearly a full hour late to their meeting. He groaned and quickened his pace, leaving the building and practically running up the street and around the corner.

Castiel checked his watch for what seemed like the hundredth time; he glanced around causing others to avert their gaze as they watched him sit alone. He smiled apologetically at his waitress once again, who returned the smile before hurrying off to take a new arrivals order. He fixed his tie, making sure he still looked okay. He'd worn this tie on purpose, it was a birthday gift from Dean, and the dark blue apparently brought out his eyes while Cas insisted it brought out Dean's deep green eyes better. They'd agreed to disagree in the end, cutting into Dean's second gift of birthday pie and, later on, revelling in one another's touch.  
After the accident Dean had said many times that Cas could find someone else, that he wouldn't mind and he'd be happy for him. But Castiel knew he couldn't, not that he hadn't tried, and there had been many attempts at finding another partner. It just never worked out.  
Castiel inwardly mocked himself at the effort he made to look good and turn up on time. This wasn't a date; it was just lunch or, by the time Dean arrived, dinner.

As Castiel became lost in his own thoughts a flustered Dean arrived, bashing into tables and causing every waiter and waitress to cast an angry glare in his direction. Dean half mumbled apologies to the people he passed. Dean had run the whole way and he was clearly out of breath. Dean's eyes found Cas sitting alone, his eyes were as bright as ever and his smooth skin clearly indicated he had shaved. The blue eyed man flexed his hands, checked his watch and sighed. Dean saw Castiel's eyes darken and cursed at himself. He found a frog caught in his throat as he approached the table where his friend sat, head in his hands, Dean remained silent for a while as he tried to banish the amphibian feeling from his throat.  
"Cas?"

Castiel raised his head; it was easy to see that he was upset, his eyes were close to weeping and his jaw was locked causing a grim expression. The sight caused another frog to hop into Dean's throat.  
Cas quickly composed himself; "Late night?"

Dean sat down and managed to croak out a "Yeah." He shooed his rucksack under the table, "Have you been here long?"

Cas smiled and lied gracefully, "I was pretty late arriving myself. What do you want to eat?"

"Do I have a usual here or do we not eat out that often?"

"How do waffles sound?"

"Sounds like lunch"  
Castiel waved slightly at the waitress, who hurried off to grab the order Cas had placed over an hour earlier.  
Silence fell between the two, Dean could hear his heart pumping in his ears and he rushed through his head searching for things to say. "Cas, I'm... Sorry that I'm late."

"It's fine." Cas had to bite his tongue to keep his default 'my love' from passing through his lips. "How are the meetings with, um Robert is it, going?"

The red haired waitress arrived placing down Cas's earlier order of toasted teacakes and Dean's waffles along with two cups of black coffee. "Anything else?"

"No, thank you." Castiel smiled, and made a mental note to leave a large tip. "Wait. What's your name?"

The waitress pointed to the name badge that Castiel had obviously missed, "its Charlie. And not to be too upfront, you two are cute together" She hurried off before, either one of them could correct her on their relationship status.

Cas chuckled to himself before taking a bite of his teacake and watching Dean rediscover the reason why they always ate here.  
They serve the best waffles in town.

* * *

They'd been sitting at the table for over an hour when the conversation turned to Dean's therapy. Dean was silent for a moment; he twirled his beer bottle on the table as he thought about his most recent dream. "Did we ever go to the beach?"

Castiel's widened, and Dean swore his cheeks gained a pink tinge, "Only once." Cas sipped at his wine glass, they had both switched to alcohol after their second cup of coffee, "Why do you ask?"

"Just a dream. Did we, um, do anything in particular?" Dean curled his fingers into a fist, angry at himself for acting this way.

Cas felt his cheeks get hotter, "We became official. You acted like such a kid that day, your first time at the beach. You insisted we get candy floss, and then ate mine. You felt pretty bad for that... Bought me a ridiculous key chain to say sorry." Castiel half laughed as his mind travelled back to that day.

* * *

_"Dean, it's going to rain!" Castiel shouted at the other man who was at least 20ft away. Storm clouds has been gathering all day and Cas was sure they were about to rip the heavens open.  
"Don't be ridiculous! And hurry up over here, already!" Dean waved his arm over to emphasise his point. Cas rolled his eyes and began to walk, purposely stomping his feet in a five year old fashion, he had no idea how Dean wasn't cold considering he was only dressed in damp swimming trunks and an ACDC shirt.  
Dean laughed at Castiel's walk, "Don't be so childish." _

_"You're one to talk. How many times did you drag me on that roller coaster?" _

_"Hey, roller coasters are fun." _

_Castiel opted for a serious tone, "I must say, after the fourth time they kind of lose their appeal."  
Dean looked at Cas before bursting into laughter, causing Cas to smile and laugh along with him. The two composed themselves after an eternity of laughing and Dean's impersonations of Castiel's 'serious voice'. _

_Cas quickly forgot about the impending storm as he walked along the beach by Dean, never running out of things to talk about. Dean relished the feeling of sand between his toes and was bold enough to twine his fingers with Castiel's. _

_The rain crept up on the two lovers, before they knew it thunder was bellowing and they had nowhere to go. So, they ran.  
By the time Dean found the small cave, they were both soaking wet with water running off every part of them. They quickly scurried inside, and found it just big enough to stand in. Dean cursed as he tried to shake most of the water off himself.  
"I told you it would rain" Cas ruffled his hair, water flying everywhere.  
Dean simply stuck his tongue out before taking off his shirt, rinsing it and grimacing as he went to put it back on.  
"You should leave it off. To dry, of course." _

_"Good idea." Dean blushed slightly as he set his soaking shirt on a rock and lay down on the, surprisingly, dry sand and closed his eye.  
Cas remained standing awkwardly for a moment before summoning his courage and laying next to Dean.  
They stayed in silence, Castiel believing Dean to be asleep. He stared at the cave roof, listening to the thunder outside and the crashing of waves. _

_"I'm never going to forget today." The break in the silence surprised Cas, and he turned his head to face Dean and found his own blue eyes staring into the beautiful abyss that was Dean's green eyes. Dean turned his head away, and stared at the cave roof. "Not a single detail, I'll remember it all. I'll remember you, no matter what happens. Till the day I die." _

_Castiel smiled, "Is your memory that good?" _

_"I could never forget you." _

* * *

"Cas? Hey, are you in there?" Dean reached over to tap Castiel, who had been silent for at least five minutes.

Cas blinked, returning to reality. The memory was seared into his mind and he felt emotion coursing through him, unable to stop the sobs Castiel simply threw a hefty sum of money on the table, mumbled an apology to Dean and practically ran out.

Dean quickly followed and called after him, but soon Cas was lost to the cluttered city streets leaving Dean to wonder why he had left.

* * *

Castiel ran and ran, he sobbed as he turned into an all too familiar alley way. This was the place where he had had everything taken away from him. Dean's voice echoed in his head, _"I could never forget you."_

"Liar!" Castiel screamed to the voice in his head. He turned, colliding his fist with the wall. He pulled back and punched the wall for a second time. His anger began to fade and his pain receptors started to fire impulses, causing Cas to wince and acknowledge his bloody knuckles. He sighed, guilty over leaving Dean without an explanation.

The blue Castiel walked around the city till dark, waiting for every last spark of anger to dissipate. Before making his way back to his apartment, he hand was on fire with pain but he didn't care.  
He climbed up to his apartment to find Dean hunched over by his door, whom quickly raised his head at the sound of Castiel's footsteps.  
Dean stood up, "Where in hells name did you go?! I looked for hours! Actually, why did you go? You can't just leave without an explanation, dude."

"I'm sorry. Do you want to come in?"

"I want an explanation! Why did you- What happened to your hand?"

"Inside."


	4. Chapter 4

**Yay I actually got a chapter up! I should be putting one up every month~ **

**Anyways, no thank you to Tumblr for this chapter taking waaaaay to long.  
Huge thank you to LukeLemonKing who's now my official proof reader! Kudos! **

* * *

Dean leant against the work surface of Castiel's kitchen; neither of them spoke as Cas washed the dirt from his wound, slightly hissing at the pain. After he was sure it was clean, Castiel turned off the water and paused trying to figure out how to bandage himself with only one hand. Dean sighed heavily, "Here, let me help."  
He took the bandage that Cas had set upon the counter previously and gently inspected his friends damaged hand. Castiel simply looked away as Dean tended to him, he was no longer mad but he couldn't get rid of the heavy weight in his heart and there was no way he could burden Dean with any of this.

Dean was gentle in wrapping the cloth around Castiel's hand, seemingly taking pride in his work. "How'd this happen? Did someone jump you?" Dean didn't look up as he spoke, keeping his eyes down.  
Castiel took in a sharp breath as Dean tightened the fabric around his damaged knuckles. "I punched a wall. Repeatedly."

Dean looked up and raised an eyebrow, "Hobby?"

"I try not to make a habit out of it."

Dean let go of Castiel's hand, once he was happy the bandage was going to stay put. "Don't get it wet. So no bubble baths." Cas went to protest but was cut off, "Hey, I've seen your bathroom. No subtly there." Dean pulled one of his joker smiles.

"Tea or coffee?" Dean was confused for a moment, "It's the least I can do." Castiel flicked the switch on the kettle and grabbed two mugs from the counter.

"Um, coffee." Dean stood awkwardly in the kitchen as Cas whirled about. Castiel handed him a plate of biscuits, so now Dean was standing awkwardly in the kitchen with a plate of biscuits.

"Go into the living room, you're like a fish out of water standing here. Pick a movie and don't eat all the biscuits." Castiel nudged Dean out of the kitchen and in the right direction.  
The kettle whistled and Cas set about making the coffee. He still had his trench coat on and every time he walked, he would jingle. He rummaged through his pockets to find the culprit, which was his set of keys. He placed them on the counter, and his eyes caught a sparkling green jellyfish keychain. It looked older than it was, three trips around the washing machine would do that. Most people at Castiel's work had noticed the childish trinket, presuming him to be childish at heart. The jellyfish was in fact, a debt from a particular candyfloss thief. Who had, in the end, also stolen his heart.

Castiel walked in the living room carrying ridiculously big cups of coffee which looked like they had been made by a fancy coffee machine that you get in Starbucks or something.  
Dean was impressed, that fact was made clear by the way he cocked his eyebrow at the incoming caffeine. Castiel felt his heart swell up in pride, "Now, I know you like your coffee black but at least give this a try." He set the two cups on the small table, taking care to use coasters, before nervously awaiting Dean's verdict on his creation.

Dean cautiously brought the coffee to his nose and sniffed, his scent receptors were met with a blend of cinnamon and vanilla which almost made Dean moan out loud. He eyed the milk froth to find himself looking at a small foamy piano. He didn't even know actual people who didn't work in Starbucks could do this sort of thing. He went through a mental check list; Smells like heaven in a cup? Check.  
Looks like a freaking work of art? Check.  
Tastes better than sex? Dean took a sip, and then another, and another before taking a huge gulp. Check.

"Cas this is fucking amazing. Where did you learn to do this?"

Castiel felt as if he could grow wings and flutter to the celling at that very moment, he mentally calmed himself before answering. "This is my hobby." He snagged a biscuit from the plate before dunging it into his coffee and eating it whole.

"Perfect. I'm coming here more often." Dean took another gulp of coffee before plonking the cup on the table next to the coaster that had been set out, Cas scowled at him before moving the cup to its proper place thus protecting the table from an ugly coffee rings. Cas admits he's a bit of an OCD for coffee coasters.

"What are we watching?" Cas curls his feet on the sofa, his sock covered toes touching Dean's.

Dean glances at the time, noting that it was late and he should probably get home before telling himself the stop being stupid and watch the damn movie. "Your movie choice wasn't exactly brilliant, but you did at least have The Dark Knight."

"And here's me thinking you were gonna chose Pride and Prejudice." Dean gives Cas a very serious look that makes him have a laughter fit before calming down a full five minutes later.

"You done?" Dean gives Cas another serious look that nearly sets him off again.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm good. Hit play."

The two mostly watched the movie in silence bar the crunch of a biscuit and the slurp of coffee. Three times they paused the film, due to Dean's repetitive requests for more coffee. By the time the movie was just over half way both men were dosing on the sofa. Cas had full on sprawled his legs across Dean, who had his head resting on his blue eyed friend.  
By the time Batman had become victorious once more, both of them were intertwined and asleep. A pack of biscuits lay half open on the table, along with the two coffee mugs one of which was resting on the table without a coaster.

* * *

A blond haired and somewhat devilish man sat in an office, his legs were resting on the desk that was clearly and antique and he was angrily talking on the phone.

"What do you mean 'he's getting therapy'?! You were supposed to prevent that! Pay everyone off to make sure they most definitely don't have the right services to help Dean Winchester!"

The voice on the other end of the line spoke back in a hurry.

"Complication? That's your best excuse?" The man rubbed his forehead in annoyance, as the voice spoke again. "Listen, this guy is the only witness I've had in my entire lifetime. He can't remember. I don't care how that has to happen, just make it happen. If you kill him, leave no trace. And actually kill him this time." He didn't wait for an answer, slamming the phone down and pondering for a moment.

A knock at the door snapped him back to reality, "Come in."

An attractive red haired woman walked in dressed in a pale blue vintage dress, "You buzzed for me?"

"Ah yes. Thank you Ab'. Something has come up. I need you to make arrangements for my departure An old problem as arisen and I don't trust Crowley and his 'Houndz' to handle it correctly."

"Of course, sir." She nodded and went to leave.

"And Abbadon? Sushi on the plane, if you please." Abbadon nodded and left the office, leaving the man to spin around leisurely on his chair. He mumbled under his breath, "Sammy, your past is catching up to you".

The man walked out of the office ready to pack all his 'essential' items.

* * *

Dean awoke to find his head resting on Castiel's chest, a thin stream of light had penetrated the curtains and decided to land directly in Dean's eyes. For a moment Dean was content with being blind, the feeling of security was too great to ever want to leave. Dean inhaled and Castiel scent filled his nose, a funny mixture of coffee, books and a faint trace of jasmine. He couldn't help but smile and attempt to press himself closer to his friend. A foggy feeling come over his mind and a Luke is the best great sense of déjà vu overcame him.  
Dean sat up, annoyed that his good mood had been ruined by his lack of memory. He stretched trying to remember if they had actually finished the movie before finding that he didn't really care.

Dean got up carefully so he wouldn't wake his host and decided to clean himself up. He tiptoes upstairs to take advantage of Castiel's power shower, he grinned like a Cheshire cat at that thought. He had remembered the power shower.  
Today was starting well.

Castiel squirmed on the sofa; his mind had taken a sudden dark turn.

_Castiel was running through the rain, his trench coat flared out behind him. He was looking for Dean. He had told him not to go after Sam but he was determined to protect his brother, they had fought and Dean has stormed out leaving Castiel to brood for a good hour. Cas had tried to call to apologise but he went straight to voice mail. _

_The rain beat upon his face and the bitter wind bit at his bare neck. It was December, and the cold had been getting increasingly colder. Rain dripped from his fridge into his eyes but Castiel kept running. As he ran Cas prayed to God, to all the Gods, to any God that would take his plea, "Let him be okay." But the wind took his words into the darkening night and into oblivion. _

_Castiel stopped; his lungs were burning from the inside out. He leant against a wall of an alleyway to catch his breath, cursing at how he required oxygen. His eyes flicked to a slumped figure in the alley and his heart stopped.  
Castiel took a weary step forward, the figure was still and his hair was matted with blood and blood mixed with rain ran down his neck and flecks of blood melded with freckles. _

"_Dean?" Cas rushed over, pulling the unconscious Dean into his arms. He was cold and the rain had soaked through his clothes. Castiel pulled a hand away and looked at it in the dim light, finding it to have a red tinge. "Dean?" This time Castiel was more desperate. He held his lover close and listened carefully. A faint thump found its way to Castiel's ear; the steady thump was growing fainter. _

_Castiel dialled 911, giving their exact location and telling them to hurry. He held onto Dean, trying to shield him from the rain. Holding on to the faint thump that told him hope was not lost. "Please wake up." Castiel tried to wash the blood from Dean's freckles, and kissed his forehead. He was crying, although he didn't remember when the tears had started exactly. "Wake up, my love."  
Dean remained still, cold and silent. _

Dean galloped down the stairs, taking two at a time. He had quickly threw his jeans on as soon as he heard Castiel's cries. He didn't know how long his friend had been crying out, the sound of the shower drowning out all noise. His hair was soaking and the water ran down onto his bare chest.

"Cas!" He found Castiel curled up in a foetal position on the sofa, he was crying out Dean's name over and over. Dean grasped Cas's shoulder and shook him. "Wake up, buddy."

Castiel bolted upright, he was panting and his eyes were full of tears. He blinked twice, the memory fading away and reality returning to him. He swung his legs off the sofa and onto the floor; he rubbed his eyes and looked up at Dean. He was pleasantly surprised to find Dean shirtless and half contemplated if he was still dreaming.

"Sorry."

Dean sat next to him, "its fine. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"That's bullshit."

Cas turned his head and stared at Dean, "Do you want some coffee?"

"I want to make sure you're okay." Dean nervously twiddled his thumbs, "You're the only thing I have."

Cas sighed and got up, "I'm not going to leave you."

"Good." Dean went back upstairs to dry his hair and finish getting dressed.  
On the way to the bathroom he stopped at the door to Castiel's bedroom. Unable to resist, he went in. Cas kept a bedside table, which had normal things. A lamp, a book, a notepad and pen. Along with those objects a silver picture frame took pride and place. A forgotten memory was stored there, Dean's and Castiel's faces pressed close to make it in the camera frame and both of them grinning like they'd just found buried treasure. Next to the frame lay a small blue box, Dean pondered for a moment before opening it. A simple platinum band was inside, the inside was engraved '_you're my angel ~D'_

Dean processed what he had just realised; he closed the box and put it back. "I'm so sorry."  
Dean left and went to dry his hair, for once wishing he could forget what he had just found.


	5. Chapter 5

**Yay! Chapter five peoples!  
Thanks yous to:** **XX-SchitsoManiacAmutoLuver-XX ~ I'm very sorry for breaking your hearts! I shall reveal no spoilers! However, buy a box of tissues.  
becca65d ~ Thank you for your continued support. Sammy isn't dead! :3  
**

**Huge thank you to LukeLemonKing for proof reading this again! Kudos, my pretty ^-^ **

* * *

Sam Winchester flicked a coin in the air, the silver catching the light of the motel lamp and giving it an orange glow, it spun and as gravity caught it the coin spiralled downwards before landing in Sam's palm. He studied the silver's face for longer than he needed to. He had no idea why he was doing this; he knew he was going back for Dean no matter what the coin said. They were brothers and they needed each other.

The door handle turned and Sam quickly shoved the coin into his pocket, placing warm smile on his face as Ruby walked in carrying a paper bag full of supplies. She kicked the door shut, "You're going to love me. Not that you didn't already."

Sam raised a brow, "What have you done?"

Ruby unpacked the bag, laying various foods on the second bed in their double room along with other necessities, finally pulling out a clear plastic bag containing four syringes. "I know, I'm amazing."

Sam sat up from the desk at which he had been sitting and walked over to Ruby, who was still smiling smugly, "Where did you get those? We don't know any dealers here, there _aren't_ any dealers here."

"Let's just say I'm magic." Ruby tiptoed and wrapped her arms around the Winchester giant before her. Sam shook her off and paced around the room.  
This was the night he was leaving, he was going to find Dean, say sorry, get a better life. He glanced over at Ruby who was still holding the syringes.

Sam felt the twitch rise up in him, the itch he just couldn't scratch. Every part of his body was begging for the euphoria, he curled his hands into fists. His pulse began to rise until he could hear blood roaring in his ears. The twitch grew insistent, spreading throughout his being and wrapping around Sam like a constrictor serpent. Sam's chest felt tight, his breaths growing faster. Sam was fighting a losing battle, his addiction was winning, and he knew that no matter what he did the twitch wouldn't leave until it was satisfied.

"I thought you would have at least smiled." Ruby pouted.

Sam stopped pacing; he looked at Ruby who was, in some sense, his second addiction. He knew she was bad news, but he couldn't not want her. By now Dean was all but forgotten about, Sam pulled Ruby close and inhaled her scent before gently running his teeth along the curve of her neck. Ruby tried to say something but Sam didn't care; he pushed his lips against hers and savoured her taste. When he pulled back, Ruby was wide eyed for a moment before smiling and handing Sam a syringe of bliss.

The chemical rushed through Sam and Ruby's blood stream, their joy amplified by each other. As the high grew and reached its peak the two lovers worshiped one another, Ruby kissed away Dean from Sam's mind and in return Sam left deep purple marks of possession on Ruby's flesh.

This was the life Sam had chosen and in the middle of the night, when the high had left and Ruby had passed, out Sam wondered what his life would be like if he had the willpower to choose differently.

The memory of the night in the alley played over and over, when he had left Dean bleeding in the rain.

* * *

"_Sammy, you don't have to do this. Come home, we'll talk things through. It's okay. Just come with me, Sammy." _

_Sam's voice shook as he mumbled what Dean wanted to hear, "Okay." Sam saw Dean break into a smile of relief, the cold rain forgotten and he stepped forward arms wide. _

"_Not okay" Sam swivelled to look behind him, his eyes meeting a man with blond hair who shook his finger. "Tut tut, Sammy." _

_In the next moment Dean had collapsed, blood oozing from his skull. Sam rushed over, falling to his knees next to his brother. _

"_Now, Sam my dear. You have two choices; leave and never come back, and in return I won't kill your brother. Or you can stay, I'll mess with evidence, talk to contacts and make it so that you'll get the blame for this. Can you imagine what the press would say? Having a dangerous, meth dealing brother could kill Dean's piano carer. Then there's Castiel, would he still be willing to marry your brother after this?" _

_Sam saw henchmen quietly waiting for orders in the shadows of the alley, there was no way he could fight his way out of this. _

"_I see why they call you Lucifer, you bastard." Sam considered taking a swing at the devil of a man. _

_Lucifer simply shrugged, "What will it be, Sammy?" _

_Sam stood up; his eyes painfully glanced back at Dean. If he was framed for this Dean would never forgive him, and Sam couldn't take that. "Okay, I'll go." _

_Sam Winchester walked away leaving his brother, and the only family he had left, bleeding in the bitter cold rain. _

The memory left quickly, chased away by Sam injecting for Meth into his system.

* * *

Sam woke up coughing and gasping. He was curled up in the corner of their motel room; his wrists were covered in blood. Sam coughed his way to the bathroom spattering blood drops on the porcelain sink. Sam wiped his mouth and exhaled a long sigh. He ran the sink full; making sure the water was cold before dipping his hands in, and working on removing the blood from his skin.

This was the ritual of an addict.

He found eighteen long cuts in total that had made a home on his wrists. Sam didn't even remember making them. They were deep cuts and that meant that they would soon become white scars. Over his time on the road Sam had accumulated many scars, some jagged, that had been scratched into his skin and some clean cuts. Sam remembered nothing of their birth, only the memory of waking up in the morning covered in blood.

Sam quickly remembered Ruby, rushing back into the bedroom to find her down the side of the bed. He lifted her up and placed her down carefully on the bed, horror stricken to find that she wasn't breathing.

"Ruby!" Sam shook the woman's limp body, slowly noticing how pale she was and how her eyes were surrounded by a ring of grotesque purple. He shook her again, his mind trying to remember any scrap of first aid. Sam did the only thing he could think of, and silently prayed to every angel in heaven that it was the right thing to do, he pinched Ruby's nose and breathed into her mouth feeling her lungs fill up with air. Sam quickly set about doing chest compressions, not sure how many he was supposed to do. He repeated this over and over in desperation. He told Ruby about how much he loved her, he begged her not to leave him. Sam told her how much he needed her. And after what seemed an eternity to the youngest Winchester, Ruby's eyes finally shot open.

Sam backed away quickly, giving Ruby room to breathe. She sat up, inhaled and clutching her windpipe.

"Ruby?" Sam's voice was full of concern for his companion.

"I'm fine, Sam." Ruby didn't look up; she simply sat on the bed letting life flow back into her.

"I-..." Sam was cut off by a sharp knock on the door. He cautiously opened the door a crack to be greeted by a familiar face. "Jess...?"

The woman standing in the door wore very little clothing and the red lipstick made her profession obvious. Her hair hung in loose curls at her shoulders and a half smoked cigarette was held in her right hand. "The one and only." She gave Sam a wink before her expression turned dark. "I've got bad news for ya."

"News?" Sam opened the door wider but Jess simply shook her head.

"Boss doesn't know I'm here. Don't wanna piss off the devil." She took a deep breath of her cigarette. "Dean's in trouble. He's seeing some mental health dude."

"Dean would never do that. He's too proud."

"Well he is. And Sam, he's remembering. Crowley and his hounds are already keeping tabs on him. Lucifer is flying there personally. He's gonna take him out."

"He gave me his word."

"Circumstances have changed." Jess dropped the ash stump and crushed it with her heal. "You've gotta go and stop him. He's gonna kill your brother."

"Jess... There's nothing I can do. Lucifer has control of everything."

"Look, I'm not going to force you. Do what you want. I just thought you should know." Jess stepped forward and hugged Sam, before pressing a kiss onto his cheek. "Seeya around, Sam."

Sam closed the door, his mind was reeling. He walked over to Ruby, pulled her close and tenderly kissed the top of her head. Dean would have to hold on for now, Sam needed to take care of Ruby. He relished the feeling of her warm skin and Ruby burrowed into Sam's chest. They stayed like that for the rest of the afternoon and as night came Ruby cried slowly. She mumbled things that Sam didn't fully understand, bits about her childhood and how she came to be in association with Lucifer. Sam just held her and let her tears soak into his shirt. Soon Ruby had fallen into a deep sleep, she was curled into Sam and he kept his arms around her through the night. Sam stayed awake and watcher her, slowly running his hands along her hair and humming one of Dean's famous pieces as a sort of lullaby.

* * *

As the first rays of light touched the pale blue sky, Sam lifted Ruby and placed her gently in the back of their car. He turned on the engine and drove to the nearest hospital. Ruby was still asleep when they arrived and Sam simply waited for her to wake up. The sky was clear and bright and Sam let the sunlight warm his face as he guarded Ruby. She was his love. He did lust for her but he loved her more and he lusted for her, and to Sam that meant that he'd protect her with his life.

"Sammy?" Ruby rubbed her eyes, realising that they weren't in the motel room.

"Things are going to pick up for us." Sam knelt down and grasped Ruby's hands. "I'm gonna go away for a bit, and you're going to stay here and get better."

"You need to get better too. You've got to stay with me."

Sam looked down at the ground, taking a deep breath before looking back up. "I'll come back, I promise."

"Don't go."

"I have to. Dean needs me. I'll come back."

Ruby shook Sam's hands away, pulling her knees close. "No. You won't. You'll stay with Dean and play happy families."

"Ruby..." Sam felt his voice begin to break. "I love you... I will come back. I promise. I'm not leaving forever."

Ruby got out the car, refusing to look at the Winchester. "Just go."

Sam tried to pull her in for a hug but Ruby simply stepped away and turned her back. "Ruby..."

The woman walked away and didn't look back. Only when Sam was certain she had walked in did he get back into the car and start the engine. He checked his cell phone to make sure he had the hospital's number saved before driving away.

Grey clouds slowly made their way into the morning's pale blue sky and by the afternoon Sam was driving though a thunderstorm. He shuffled through cassette tapes before finding the one his was looking for. Dean's first concert drowned out the bellows of thunder and the tapping of the rain. Sam hoped Dean was okay.


End file.
